3pm strippers are depressing
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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