I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
