I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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