You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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