dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
