operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize