Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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