the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
