stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize