# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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