burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
