Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we're making bets on your personal life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
