Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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