I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
