If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
