Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
