Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
