he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
