im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
