It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
