I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
