I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
