I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
