I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
