At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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