Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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