new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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