i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
