I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
