Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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