Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
