Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
