Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
