This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
