Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
