Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
