Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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