Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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