he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
