WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize