OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
