The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My pussy is not your playground.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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