dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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