I love black thongs
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
