take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
