conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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