what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize