His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
