I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize