May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
