My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
