a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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