I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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