I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
