I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
