Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
