the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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