Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
