dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The air was thick with penises
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize