gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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